You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have aggressive nipples.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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