I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
