So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
