I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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