please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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