I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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