I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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