I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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