matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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