I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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