Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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