he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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