I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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