my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
