Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
