I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
