everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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