i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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