i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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