Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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