If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
