I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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