guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
