me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
