Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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