I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize