I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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