The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
