70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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