I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
