Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
