New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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