My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
