Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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