Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
