fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
