Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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