I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize