I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
FUCK WHALES
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
