just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You are a genius and a whore.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
