you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
