The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
