i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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