I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
