Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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