Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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