I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
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The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
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Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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