After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
sex in a hospital.. check
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
