Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
