I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
