Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
