I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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