I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
