someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
