fuck your aforementioned shoe
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
