oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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