I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
