I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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