Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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