I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
