if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
