her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
